"...Kriyat Yam Suf"

Welcome to Split The Sea, where I attempt to provide my dear readers with relevant advice on how to find success in dating, relationships and marriage. I hope you enjoy and benefit from this blog as much as possible.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Seeing Is Believing . . . Is Reality

An important key to getting where you want is visualization. So many successful people have achieved their goals using visualization techniques, as Rhonda Byrne and many others have written and spoke about. What is visualization exactly? And how do we understand it from a Torah point of view?

Visualization is using your mind as a movie maker. No, really. Brian Tracy explains in many of his tapes, the human mind is unable to distinguish between images created by the imagination and images of memories that have already happened. This means that you can trick your mind into actually believing something has happened, just by seeing the image of it in your mind. Once your mind believes it has happened, and the more you see it and therefore believe it, then you will be attracting that exact event to occur in your life. This can be applied to any goal, and in particular that of marriage.

While many have written and lectured about this method of achieving goals recently and within the past century, it is not a new idea. Hashem is the first one to have told us about this. The Torah commands us that on Pesach we must imagine ourselves having gone out of Egypt at the Redemption. It is not enough merely to remember the Jewish people leaving Egypt, rather each and every Jew must visualize him- or herself literally walking out of Egypt. When I was little, in school, we used to cut out pictures of our faces and paste them onto a drawing of a person walking together with all B'nei Yisrael out of Egypt. This way we would be able to visualize ourselves more easily, as we were still young and perhaps did not understand the concept at hand.

But you don't have to be a fourth-grader to paste your face on an image of a woman wearing a wedding dress to help yourself imagine getting married! (It's a lot of fun!) Or you can lie back in a comfortable arm chair, close your eyes, and produce an exciting movie in your mind, starring you and your Kallah walking down the aisle, standing under the Chuppah . . . whatever you want to achieve. It has to be in your imagination, using pictures that your mind creates. The more you concentrate on these images, the more energy you will give to them and Hashem will return that energy back to you a thousandfold by actually bringing these life events your way.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Do You Know The Secret?

After reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne, my entire understanding of dating and marriage has changed, and I now realized what makes everything work.

Our society spends so much time, money and energy toward making shidduchim. There are articles, speeches, meetings, magazines, websites all talking about "dating" and "making shidduchim" and of course the dreaded "shidduch crisis." But the big realization is as follows: In accordance with the ideas presented in The Secret, if people focus all their energy on something, that thing will get fueled up in a matter of speaking, and continue to grow and exist. Applying this idea to dating and marriage: if you want to get married, or you want to make shidduchim, concentrate on marriage. Write articles about getting married, make websites about amazing couples. Give speeches on having excellent relationships and improved communication skills.

One afternoon at the hotel I was staying at for Pesach, I heard two young ladies in their early twenties commenting about a lecture being presented. To paraphrase, one said to the other, 'It's just another Rabbi saying how terrible the shidduch crisis is. Why do I need to hear about that again?' And I agree with her. We do not need to hear about problems or needs. If you concentrate on the need for something, you will remain with having that need instead of having it fulfilled.

Concentrate on marriage! Focus your energy on the idea of being married. On my wedding day, everyone said to me, oh you must be so excited, this is the best day of your life. And I was thinking, um no, this is the most nervewracking day of my life. But once I'm married, then every day will be the best day!

Marriage is awesome, so think about it. A lot!

Sunday, May 4, 2008


How could I say that? Not ready? But he's 29! She's never going to get dates if she's over 25!

I meant it. It's better to take a year off from dating and really work on being who you are than to keep dating without being your own person. It is a futile attempt to try to find the one for you when you don't know you. You can come up with all the lists of characteristics you want in a wife or a husband, but first you need to have a list about yourself.

Now some practical ideas. (Don't laugh!)

Arts & crafts
Jewlery making
Martial Arts
Model cars
Cooking & Baking
Model train sets
Collecting miniatures

Now granted one of these activities might just be someone's daily workout, and one might be your day job. The point is to have fun and be yourself. Go on dates by yourself, see the world even if it's just looking out onto the view of the East River. When you know you can have fun by yourself, and have made a new friend - yourself . . . then you're ready. Not just ready to date, but ready to get married.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Who Are You?

Previously I wrote about delving into your inner self to find your faults and fix them in order to be able to recognize your shidduch when you see him or her. Well I discovered it's not just about finding faults.

Split your own sea means discover who you are - the good points too! Develop yourself as a person. One of the reasons why Ultra Orthodox Jews send their children to single-gender schools is because they realize this very important concept. Every person need an incubation period to develop their own personality, to discover what his or her own true likes and dislikes are. When you are constantly around members of the opposite gender (who are not your own siblings) you will constantly be changing your opinion according to that of the guy or girl you like. It's true, you get biased.

Take the time to find yourself. It is not a vague expression, but rather it means spending time with only members of your own gender. Try out new activities, see if you can find a hobby that's right for you. Read and see what topics really interest you. What are you all about?

How does all this have to do with your future spouse? I'll tell you. I talk to singles a lot, and I get questions like "What should I talk about on a date?" I used to scrounge up lists of ideas to talk about for them. But then I realized. If they don't know what to say, if they are not already into their own self, if they are not busy being who they are, of course they have nothing to talk about. And therefore they are not ready to be dating!

Whoa, I said it. NOT READY.

Stay tuned for the resolution of this crazy concept.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Hineni Is Wonderful (But . . .)

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis has a wonderful program in that she has lectures and other special events to allow young Jewish professionals to meet and eventually get married! There are many such events, and one begins to wonder . . . if being single is so much fun, who is going to want to buckle down and get married?

While these types of programs are good intentioned and perhaps needed to help young Jewish people get hitched, I think we need another incentive . That is, we need to make events 'for married couples only.' If the most exclusive lectures and dinner parties were only for married couples, then everyone who would want to be in on the fun would realize they need to get married to get an invitation!

It might sound crazy, but it makes sense to me. By idealizing the days of being single, we prevent the desire for marriage to blossom. Instead, married couples need to idealize being married. The traditional 'incentives' of marriage no longer apply to many Jewish people, but unfortunate as that may be, we need to open our minds to reality and create new and relevant incentives.

How about an award for tying the knot? A local Yeshiva and Kollel in Brooklyn, Ohr Yitzchok, has initiated a magnificent practice. Like other Yeshiva dinners, every year at their dinner, several people are honored for various achievements. But they also honor all Ohr Yitzchok student who have gotten married in the previous year! The names of all the Ohr Yitzchok newlyweds are printed in bold black letters on the dinner invitation. Now that's an ego boost!

What's your incentive?